Great Expectations

My blog tends to be mainly photos and light hearted ramblings about our adventures in home remodeling and living in Colorado, so I'll try not to bore you with too many deep, thought provoking posts now that I'm a mama. Maternity leave has certainly been the quietest time in my life, with the least number of things on my "to-do" list, at least since before high school. So maybe it's that I finally have time to be still, and to think about life, and about my little one. Also, I've enjoyed reading other mom's stories online, and they give me encouragement while I'm on this journey becoming a mom, so by sharing my stories, I hope that I can be a source of inspiration to other moms as well.

I had planned to breastfeed, and was looking forward to the bonding and intimate time I had planned, where we would spend staring into each other's eyes and develop this bond that no one else would have but us - sounds a bit like a fairytale, right? The reality of it all was that we had a very challenging three weeks of breastfeeding, and my milk supply was too low to solely breastfeed without supplementing with formula. Because she wasn't getting what she needed while breastfeeding, she hated it, and would scream at the top of her lungs every time I had to attempt to nurse her. But the pediatrician encouraged us to continue both, in addition to pumping (all three around the clock - exhausting!) while I started a medication to force my body to produce milk. And after the three most sleep deprived, tearful, and challenging weeks of my life, the icing on the cake was my Rheumatoid Arthritis returning, with a vengeance.

Backstory: in most cases, and as such in my case, RA goes into remission during pregnancy, and this works out well, since you can't be on RA drugs while pregnant. Doctors don't know why, but they speculate it has something to do with hormone changes. We didn't know if my RA would return post-delivery, since in some rare cases, women experience permanent remission after pregnancy. However mine did show up, and I spent a week feeling like a crippled 80 year old, before I accepted that I needed to get back on my medications, which in turn meant I would no longer be able to breastfeed.

I suppose this is the first of many instances to come when expectations are not met while parenting, and the first of many times when things do not go exactly how my type-A personality planned them, and guess what, everything will be okay. Or what if, by chance, can you imagine if things ended up being even better than I had ever dreamed they would be? Imagine if something I planned wouldn't be the absolute best plan for my child, or for our family. Imagine if God has something better in mind.

I'm also learning that in order to be able to take care of her, I have to take care of myself. I've discovered it's in a parent's innate being to be selfless, to always put the child first, and in some misconstrued way I felt that by not taking care of myself and continuing to nurse her, I would have been "doing whats best" for her. I'm learning to shift my perspective, we have to work as a team and to weigh the benefits of all options. Now, seven weeks later, I'm enjoying the moments we have together when she's getting just what she needs while I am feeling good enough to be able to hold her, and walk around the house, and do ordinary things that I should be able to do without pain. So, we continue our journey of learning how to be parents, and take care of ourselves, while we take care of our little one.